What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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