Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
