i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize