There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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