Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
