I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
