I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
