your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
