don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
