people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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