This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
