theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
