Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
