he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
