im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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