I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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