your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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