Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
