I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize