I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
