I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
