If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
