anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
