Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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