just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
