Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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