you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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