areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
