when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize