I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
