garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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