Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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