Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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