Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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