I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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