Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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