He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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