Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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