She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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