Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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