I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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