You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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