Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
