You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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