my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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