I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
