Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
