when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
