This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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