Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it glows. i had to have it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize