I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
