Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Farmville is her only friend.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
