I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You can't special order awesome
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
