whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
