Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
