I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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