Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Panties = found
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
