i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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